On Finding Peace Amidst Troll Culture
Every full moon is a chance to take stock of what’s going on in your life and release the things that aren’t working...the things that no longer serve you. Oftentimes—if you pay attention—the week (or weeks) leading up to the full moon present you opportunities to understand what these things are.
This week was no exception for me.
Over on Instagram, I had a quite few combative comments and direct messages. Unfortunately, with an audience of over 11K, these types of things are not uncommon. This week, however, there was a significant uptick.
Whenever there’s a significant uptick in ANYTHING in my life—especially triggering things—I take note. They’re usually presenting themselves as something to be dealt with.
What needed to be dealt with—what needed to be released with this moon cycle—became abundantly (and painfully) clear.
Two needs of mine that are no longer serving me:
The need to feel understood.
The need to explain myself in an attempt to fulfill #1.
My thought process: If only they understood me, they would love me! If only they understood me, they wouldn’t want to hurt me! If only they understood me, they wouldn’t try to take me down!
It also highlighted a big fear of mine.
I knew it was a Big Fear, because I actually admitted it—out loud—to my husband, my closest friends, and my therapist—all within the span of a week.)
THE FEAR: The bigger my business and audience grows, the unsafer it becomes for me to be me.
The more people will feel compelled to tell me that they don’t like me—and why.
The more people will try to challenge my success.
The more people will try to take me down, constantly searching for the chinks in the armor.
It’s like the newfangled version of Mo Money Mo Problems…more internet attention, more trollish activity. I’ve always thought that internet trolls must take a special class where they learn how to locate your specific pain points...and hit them. How do they all know exactly how to find the bruise and stick their finger right in?! Such a unique skill set.
To be honest, this fear has always been there, but I’ve believed in my work and my mission enough to override the fear. I know my work helps people. I know the thousands of hours I’ve dedicated to creating zero-cost-to-consumer education and resources is NOT all for naught.
I am honored to receive many messages, emails, and texts each week telling me how my work has changed someone’s life. I am working on letting these notes have more weight than the nay-sayers.
But it’s a work in progress. Because weeks like this knock me off my center and make the fear more pronounced.
THE FEAR: People are out to get me; it is not safe to be seen.
Listen, I get it. I know that meanies on the internet are projecting their own pain points.
No one—NO ONE—who feels confident, happy, fulfilled, and at peace with themselves goes out of their way to tell internet strangers why they suck.
But it doesn’t make it right. And it doesn’t make it less hurtful on the receiving end. And why is this drive-by insult culture normalized?
Since my coping strategy is to fight and defend, this is how I’ve historically dealt with it. When someone slings a drive-by insult at me, I have felt responsible to take a stand. To set a boundary. To tell someone why that behavior is hurtful, harmful and unacceptable.
But lately I’ve noticed that the more I direct this energy to people who are committed to misunderstanding me, the more burnt out I feel. You know that bone-deep weary and exhausted feeling? That’s where I’m at this full moon weekend. And when I feel like this, I have a LOT less to give to the people who actually respect and appreciate me. The people who DO understand my work, and benefit from it. My people.
This week, after an internet stranger DMed me to tell me how negative she thought I was, I wrote: “I like me—despite random people on the internet telling me not to.”
It is hard for a woman to learn to love herself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: our society feels more comfortable with a woman who hates herself than a woman who does not.
If you see a confident woman, understand how hard she has worked to get there. How many messages of self-hate she has had to fend off. Why do you want to take that away from her?
If you feel compelled to go out of your way to tell an internet stranger why they bother you, stop for a moment and ask yourself:
If we were sitting down together in person, in real life, privately, just the two of us….would I say this to her face?
IF THE ANSWER IS NO → (I think this is probably most people)
Don’t say it in a DM or a comment, either.
Move on from it quietly. Unfollow without feeling the need to announce it.
Instead, journal about why you were triggered by her actions or her words or her existence. Don’t project your unhealed wounds onto another human. Chances are, she doesn’t deserve it.
IF THE ANSWER IS YES →
Ask yourself some self-reflective questions:
Why do you feel entitled to give your feedback or share your opinion when it wasn’t asked for?
Where do you think your sense of entitlement comes from?
In what other areas of your life do you feel entitled to cause hurt and harm?
I used to say there are two sides to every story, and then there’s the truth. Perhaps I got that all wrong. Perhaps there are infinite sides and no One Truth.
This full moon, I am releasing the need to feel understood by everyone.
I am committing to learning to be okay with someone else’s reality of me being different than my reality of me.
I am committing to making more peace with being misunderstood.
I am committing to using more discernment with my reactivity to people on the internet. I understand that people project from a place of deep hurt.
But that doesn’t mean I need to take anyone’s shit. I will also continue to unapologetically uphold my boundaries. I will continue to understand that access to my energy is a privilege and if someone cannot respect my boundaries, then they do not earn access to my energy.
And in doing all of this, I am going to teach myself that it is safe for my work to grow. It is safe for my audience to grow. It is safe for me to continue to show up and serve my people.
When I was little, I had a t-shirt that said, “you can take the dog out of the fight, but you can’t take the fight out of the dog.” This dog is taking herself out of the fight. The fight for everyone to understand me is no longer serving me. And maybe the next time someone comes at me to tell me why I’m so awful, I’ll just send them this blog post instead. Because even though I will always have the fight in me, I am committed to fighting for the people who need me. Not with the people who want to tell me why it’s so wrong for me to be me.
I love you all. Thanks for being here.
