Episode 111: Sh*t We Don't Talk About (Good Girls Gone Bad)
In this episode:
Burnout, Boundaries & Butts!
What a botched vacation—and a bowel issue—taught me about raging against the caretaker role, learning to be okay with disappointing people & becoming more myself.
A compilation of conversations with business owners & moms on how we’re navigating burnout & why we need to be ‘bout it ‘bout it with those boundaries.
Resources mentioned:
Your Hormone Revival (Only available within the Funk’tional Nutrition Collective)
NY Times: In the Covid-19 Economy, You Can Have a Kid or a Job. You Can’t Have Both.
Rolling Stone’s “Coronavirus Is Killing the Working Mother”
Alicia Keys’ More Myself: A Journey
Learn More About Mindset
Journal promts/considerations
Where can you set boundaries in your own life?
In the home? Personal? Social? Family? Professional?
If someone crosses a boundary, how are you doing to handle that?
Where in your life are you not honoring someone else’s boundaries?
-
Erin Holt [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the Funk'tional Nutrition podcast. I'm your host, Erin Holt, and I'm a board certified integrative and functional nutritionist. I live on the seacoast of New Hampshire and work with clients in my virtual practice all over the world through private consultations and online nutrition and functional medicine programs. Functional medicine nutrition is all about diving deep with people to get to the root cause of their health issues. And that's exactly what I tackle in this podcast. All things health, food and nutrition, unpacking current research, and almost a decade of clinical experience. I love to bring experts and thought leaders to the table so we can all learn together. Please keep in mind this podcast is created for educational purposes only and should never be used as a replacement for medical diagnosis or treatment.
Erin Holt [00:00:56]:
Thanks for joining me. Now let's dive in. Hey, buds. I'm still working out what I'm going to call this podcast episode. Is Erin Holt, full of shit, burnout, boundaries and butts. Or good girl gone bad. TBD. Either way, you know you're in for a treat.
Erin Holt [00:01:20]:
So this is a compilation of many conversations I've had with close friends and colleagues and my mom over the past month. I'm using the show to put a voice to these conversations because I suspect many of you can relate. I asked the Instagram if you guys wanted it, you wanted to hear it. Over 150 people said yes. Three people said no. So if you're one of those three, I guess come back next week because we're doing it. Heads up. Ear muffs for this one.
Erin Holt [00:01:57]:
No kiddos around. I'll probably say some swear words. I anticipate that, and you should, too. There's going to be some poop talk. I mean, I'm used to poop talk. It's my job. If you're not used to poop talk, heads up. So let me give you some context.
Erin Holt [00:02:14]:
You need a little bit of a backdrop before we get into things. The end of June brought a degree of burnout I have not felt for a while, and it wasn't specific to work burnout or overdoing it. I think it's more a function of the times that we're living in. So since March, I haven't had any childcare, right? So that's where we're going on month five, month six of that. Now, I know that's not unique to me or my situation. Scott and I both work full time and we both work from home and of course, owning my own business. I'm not just working full time, but pivoting a business model to adapt to world changes like every other entrepreneur on the planet. Trying to do the homeschooling thing, that was fun.
Erin Holt [00:03:07]:
Doing the juggling act that so many parents in America can relate to right now. I mean, as I was typing up the notes for this episode, I was simultaneously momming. So I work from the kitchen counter often. Hattie's running around, pausing my feverish typing to field questions from her left and right sipping pretend lattes that she's making for me in my pretend kitchen. On top of all of that, I'm a complete introvert in that I need radical space and alone time in order to recharge and replete myself. And so with everyone home, that obviously hasn't really been available to me. So the things that I normally do to unwind myself and replete myself not as readily there. And then layered on top of all of that, I was quietly working through the resentment of having to sacrifice my goals.
Erin Holt [00:04:13]:
2019 was kind of my breakout year where I hit goals for myself in my business that I didn't even know were possible. I literally broke my own perceived ceiling. This year, 2020, I was going to build and expand on that. In fact, early February was the first time that I ever, in all of my business years, came up with a five year plan, which is lol funny to me now because a month later COVID came crashing in. So, so much for those plans. Just tore those right up. But obviously so much of my plans and my goals had to slide to the back burner for multiple reasons, most of which I don't have childcare. And my eight hour workday really got shaved down to 3 to 4 hours a day, which is equal parts holy shit.
Erin Holt [00:05:10]:
And what was I doing with all of that time? I'm still doing my job in 4 hours. So what was I doing with 8 hours? I really felt like by default because I work for myself and set my own schedule, we in some ways prioritized Scott's work and his schedule, which is more of the traditional nine to five. He did take an extra hour for lunch, which was helpful. It bought me 2 hours in the middle of the day. And Hattie, also just full disclosure how we managed it. Hattie had FaceTime playdates with my mom and with my aunt every single day. She did an hour with each. So in the morning and in the afternoon we would set up the computer and my mom and aunt are just tremendous people and brought out toys and played Barbies and dolls in school and all sorts of things with her through the computer. But even during those times, Scott's very clear and structured work hours and boundaries applied.
Erin Holt [00:06:23]:
And I felt like I was trying to scrap together a 50 or 60 hours work week into small scraps of time. Because even during those calls I was on, right, I was the one running interference, I was the one answering questions, I was the one getting snacks, turning the computer on, turning the computer off, the whole nine yards. And honestly, this has always been the experience for me for the past six years since having Hattie my work has always been contingent upon childcare. If I don't have childcare, I don't work or I figure it out or I do both. And here's a big generalization statement, but one that I have found to be pretty consistently true for just about every mother I speak with. The expectations on moms are different than they are on dads, and this, to be very clear, is not me making critiques of my husband or his company. They're fucking awesome. And his company is a female owned company.
Erin Holt [00:07:23]:
So what's up, betches? It just feels like the nature of the beast. The expectations on moms are different than they are on dads, and more so now than ever. The New York Times put out an article called In the COVID-19 Economy You Can Have a Kid or a Job, You Can't Have Both. And that went pretty darn viral. A line from that article every single person confesses, burnout, despair, feeling like they are losing their minds, knowing in their guts that this is untenable, and then Rolling Stone piled on top of that with coronavirus is killing the working mother. I'm going to read you a good chunk of this. When I read this, I cried like, real tears, so I'm going to try not to do it right now. But it isn't really that everyone in the COVID-19 economy can't have a kid and a job at the same time. It's that mothers specifically, cannot.
Erin Holt [00:08:22]:
It is mothers, not fathers, who have historically shouldered the vast majority of the childcare burden and continued to do so during the pandemic. According to one New York's Times survey, it is women, not men, for whom the Secretary General of the United Nations warned across every sphere, from health to the economy, security to social protection, the impacts of COVID-19 are exacerbated. And as Perelman's piece notes, that's the New York Times article. It is mothers, not fathers, who have historically bowed out of the workforce when their domestic responsibilities increase, thus making it more difficult for them to ever return. It is women, not men, who will take pay cuts and buyouts, who will go from full time to part time to no time, who have spent years accumulating degrees in tasteful outfits, in dog eared paperbacks of Girl Boss, ascending this pile of corporate feminism to get a boost up the ladder, only to fall rung by greased up rung. It is women who will learn firsthand what their jaded first wave feminist forebears have worn them for years. That not only is having it all a sham, but that even attempting to have a little bit of both will invariably result in quietly flaming out. That one gets me.
Erin Holt [00:09:57]:
That one really gets me. I practiced reading it a few times, and every time, man, every time. I've spent ten years working my ass off toward this vision of my business, and now I'm living it. And given the current circumstances, it feels impossibly hard in the answer from the people that care about me most, right? The answer is, well, work a little less. Take it easy. But what if I don't want to fucking do that? What if I don't want to be the one to sacrifice my goals in my vision? And also, this feels like an extremely petty complaint given the context of the entire world right now. And also, it's my experience and the experience of lots of other moms. Moms are the default parents, and we're burnt the fuck out. But this burnout goes beyond moms.
Erin Holt [00:10:59]:
I know it does. So this whole conversation isn't going to be about parenting, because the truth of the matter is I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, that's for sure. But it's going to be about burnout. I've been talking more about my three month hormone program, Your Hormone Revival, because I'm about to launch it again next month. It's going to be a start date of September 7. And PS, if you are interested in that, be sure to get yourself on the email list because a coupon code goes out to the list for early bird enrollment in August. So you'll save a couple hundred bucks if you sign up early in the program. We talk all about burnout, stress, cortisol, DHEA, adrenals, neuroendocrine, health, the brain, the HPA axis, and it's basically a huge part of the program.
Erin Holt [00:11:51]:
And I'm doing it also with my practitioners in my practitioner training and mentorship. A lot of the same stuff with more of a practitioner tilt to it. In other words, how to help clients or patients in these areas, because it's happening everywhere. Personally, I'm a big fan of functional lab testing for hormone health because they help us to determine how stress is impacting your body and health so we can start to reverse the impact of chronic stress. That way it doesn't get to a point where it becomes a diagnosable disease. We're getting ahead of it in time to implement changes. The DUTCH test and complete thyroid panel are the two that I run in this particular program. They give us information so we can correct the HPA access, but it also provides validation.
Erin Holt [00:12:39]:
One girl in my last round said, I know I was stressed, but I didn't realize to what extent the results were so validating. And I feel like I knew it all deep down. But having the answers has really changed things for me and has given me the drive to really make some changes. Seeing the data finally propels people to make the changes that they need, and we're going to dive into the cortisol picture. That was my plan for this week, but I'll answer all of your questions the next two episodes. I will be answering all of your questions on cortisol, I promise. But the point here that I want to make is even in my practice, the goal of functional medicine is not to use supplements and protocols or other things like that to raise or lower cortisol, but to figure out why cortisol is low or high to begin with and address that. If labs come back showing that somebody is completely depleted, we have to ask, well, how did they get depleted in the first place? We must address the underlying factors.
Erin Holt [00:13:44]:
Supplements can offer support alongside this, but they're just that - they're supplemental. The real work is self analyzing and auditing your life and auditing your behaviors and patterns, your self talk, your boundaries, or your lack thereof to assess where the stress is coming from. Right now, a lot of us feel completely maxed out. We're all used up. A lot of us have figured out how to maintain in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. We're at our limit, but we're maintaining. A lot of us, we're maintaining. But if someone asks us for anything above and beyond what we're doing, if someone expects any extras right now, we lose our shit.
Erin Holt [00:14:32]:
We break maintenance mode. And I know this is happening because I've talked to enough people to know that this is happening. Maybe we feel a little resentful. Maybe we feel like our emotional response is out of proportion to the ask. Or maybe we just feel such a sick sense of burnout and it's so deep that it almost feels palpable, right? All of those are signs that a boundary needs to be set. And this is why boundary work is resonating so much for folks right now. The past month, I've gone through my own inner investigation of my life, personal, professional, and otherwise, to determine where the burnout and stress was coming from.
Erin Holt [00:15:18]:
I couldn't just blame it on the situation, because I've been doing pretty good for a few months, and a switch got flipped and it was time to reassess. And of course, I've gone through many iterations of this in my life, the reassessment phase. And I've even talked about plenty of them here on the show before. Where I netted out most recently is this taking care of myself can sometimes look like disappointing people. Boundaries are necessary for my survival in this world, and people are often disappointed when a boundary is set with them. And it's the last part that I have to learn to be okay with. I know what I need to do for my health, my mental wellness, my overall well being, and my survival, and I have to be okay with the fact that it could disappoint people. This is not easy, because women as caretakers has been the widely accepted role.
Erin Holt [00:16:36]:
If you are socialized as a woman or a girl or into a woman, this is the role. And it's true whether or not you're a parent, by the way, as women, we are expected to put everyone else's needs and comfort levels above our own, and we feel a sense of deeply ingrained responsibility for this. The ones that don't do this, who rage against the idea, who dare resist the role of caretaker, are considered difficult or diva, or a bitch. Angry, selfish, problem child, money hungry, egotistical. Too big, too loud, too much. I've been called a lot of these things in my life. We hear mixed messages.
Erin Holt [00:17:16]:
This is the shit that pisses me off. On the one hand, we're told, you need to take care of yourself. Self care is important. You must make yourself a priority. And then when we do those things, we're often met with a lot of resistance. That's kind of confusing, right? There's a lot of people that will tell you, you have to take care of yourself. And then in the moments when you're trying to take care of yourself, people will have a hard time with it. I remember one time I skipped a family event so I could stay home and rest.
Erin Holt [00:17:49]:
And later on, my mother in law said to me, it's important to take care of yourself and get yourself well so you don't have to miss out on things. She's an extrovert. I am not. My self care is missing out on things. And so I ask, is it only permissible for me to engage in self care when my self care looks like your self care? My mother announced that she was moving to Florida a couple of years ago. I was so angry. I felt really hurt. I felt betrayed.
Erin Holt [00:18:21]:
I felt sad. My inner child freaked out. I felt like she was abandoning me. And while I did not understand her decision, what I did understand is that she was doing what she needed to do to take care of herself. I was disappointed, and I made space for the fact that her self care looked different than I wanted it to. Professionally, I'm pretty baffled and blown away by how many people cheer me on from the sidelines when I talk about boundaries and tell me how much they respect me for it and how inspired they are to do so. In their own life and then go on to cross a clear boundary I have set. Or to gaslight me as a mean girl for upholding my boundaries.
Erin Holt [00:19:10]:
Here's the deal. You can't have it both ways. You can't support female empowerment and then get upset when an empowered female sets a boundary with you, but it happens so much. Earlier this month, I shared on Instagram that while I was on vacation, I received several emails that started off with I know you're on vacation, but. That I know you're on vacation but is really no different than the weekly messages I receive saying, I know you don't give health advice through DMs but and then proceeds to ask a health question. Both are situations where people are acknowledging, I set a boundary. I see your boundary. I'm stating it clearly here that I see and acknowledge your boundary and then also choosing to disrespect that boundary. And I don't think it's a personal it's not something to take personal.
Erin Holt [00:20:08]:
It's not something that I take personal, even though I do get frustrated with it. I think that people like to believe that they are exceptions to the rules. People like to feel special. I certainly do. People like to feel like, well, that's a rule for most people, but that doesn't apply to me. But here's the deal. If I'm making exceptions to my boundaries for people over and over, I don't have a boundary. I have a broken wall.
Erin Holt [00:20:33]:
The reason we set boundaries is to protect our energy, our peace of mind, our mental health, our physical health, our core needs. So when someone violates a boundary that you've clearly set, it's like saying, my needs are more important than your needs. That's what that is. And because as women, we are so conditioned to believe that that is categorically true, that other people's needs are more important than our own. We can be really shitty boundary upholders because when you try to set a boundary and someone says no, I'm going to kick it down, it's like they're sticking their finger right into your bruise, right into your pain point. And you think to yourself, I knew it. I knew it. I recently had a couple of people who put me in a really crappy situation and then ask for my support and guidance through it.
Erin Holt [00:21:28]:
I had to say, I can't give you my time and energy for this. But that's what we expect of women. That's what we're asking women to do, expecting them to do. Even when I'm screwing you over, I still expect you to be the caretaker for me in my emotional needs. My friend who's a local therapist, Carly Jeanette, says, at infancy, women are taught to care for others at the expense of caring for ourselves. Right now, if you're not new to the show, then you've certainly heard me go through my journey with boundaries over the past three years. And the reason that I set boundaries is so I can continue to show up and do the work that I want to do. That's why I set work boundaries, professional boundaries, and I do them publicly.
Erin Holt [00:22:15]:
My boundaries are a way to attempt to safeguard myself against burnout. But there's a part of boundaries that is not often talked about, and that's the maintenance piece. So you can set the boundary, but understand that it's going to be crossed, most likely. And your job is to maintain the boundary. It's to reaffirm those boundaries when they're crossed. And this is the part that I struggle with. I was talking to a friend about a woman I was introduced to on Instagram recently, Danielle Del Valle, I think I'm saying her name was. I'm going to reach out to her to see if she'll come on the show.
Erin Holt [00:22:54]:
Actually, I was talking about how mesmerized, I've been by her. I just love to watch her videos because she does not give a fuck. Like, she doesn't she's like, that's who I want to be when I grow up, her. That's my goal, man. I want things to roll off me like water off a duck's back and not feel like things affect me so deeply because things affect me so deeply. I know that I can come across as having kind of a tough exterior, but I really lean on my friends to process a lot of this. I am processing things over and over again before I'm okay with it. Anytime I have to set or maintain a boundary, it feels really fucking challenging and emotionally draining.
Erin Holt [00:23:43]:
It's not easy for me. So my goal is to take that emotional charge out of setting or maintaining a boundary. And I know that you know what I'm talking about. I know that you do. I know that you do. Because, again, this conversation is based on many conversations. It's so hard. It's hard because we're taught to be the good girl.
Erin Holt [00:24:07]:
We're taught to do right by everybody, to keep the peace. Even when we know in our heart of hearts what we're doing is right for us. It's this immediate kickback where we feel guilty or we feel bad. Because setting boundaries is in stark contrast to the conditioned good girl. I was listening to Brene Brown's Unlocking Us podcast and she interviewed Alicia Keys. I haven't read her book, but I'm going to order it today after listening. Alicia says, I realized that the good girl syndrome is all up inside of us, so bad and so heavy and we literally will break our necks and to the detriment of ourselves, do anything so that you will just know I'm a good girl. Please don't think that I'm not a good girl.
Erin Holt [00:25:05]:
Right. It's like when somebody crosses a boundary, maybe they send an email. That's really not an appropriate email. What I want to say is you're crossing a boundary. But I'm scared to death to do that because then I lose my good girl cred. Instead, what is so baked into the core of me is to reach through the computer and give and give and give and give and take my time and my energy to make the person on the other end feel better. That is my innate response due to my conditioning, right? I think innate and conditioning are total opposite. So maybe that's not the best choice of words, but I think you get what I'm saying.
Erin Holt [00:25:49]:
I have to decondition myself to say I cannot give to the point where it hurts me. I cannot do that. I have to stop myself and be okay with not being the good girl. It's not up for anybody else. It's for me to say, I am not going to do this. This is the good girl gone bad. I'm done. I'm done with this.
Erin Holt [00:26:13]:
She goes on to say, I found myself altering little small pieces of myself in order to either please somebody else or in order to fit in better to what I thought they would want me to be. And then Brene says, it's a weight, isn't it? God, it's a weight. At my age, I still have to say, is this what I want to do? Or am I trying to get a gold star from some asshole who I don't need a gold star from? I still do that, she says. Brene then shared some excerpts from Alicia's new book, which is entitled More Myself: A Journey. And this one really jumped out at me. It's hard to pinpoint the precise moment when we internalize others' assessments. It's usually not just a single experience, but rather a series of moments that bruise the spirit and lead us to distrust ourselves and those around us. And then we wake up at age 17 or 25 or 37, and we realize we don't know the last time we've lived life only to please ourselves.
Erin Holt [00:27:23]:
So what the crap does this have to do with being burnt out? It dawned on me while I was spending a lot of time thinking about this concept, that despite a global pandemic, despite a massive civil rights movement, despite mass fear, despite living daily in the unknown, I was doing okay. Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was okay. I felt like I was doing a pretty good job keeping my cool and taking care of myself. But it was the moments where I went dark on myself. It was the moments where I gave pieces of myself away to keep the peace or to fit in the culmination of moments where I silenced my intuition, where I didn't trust myself, where I chose other people over myself. That's what burnt me out. That's what broke me. And looking back over the past 36 years, I just see how true that's been for my entire life.
Erin Holt [00:28:32]:
So there's one event that served as the proverbial straw. It's what made me realize it was time to break these patterns. It's what made me say, this has gone on long enough. And it's not a dramatic story. It's really not. It's so fucking mundane that I have to share it. It's not even a thing. But it woke me up.
Erin Holt [00:28:59]:
So the first two weeks of July, we had vacation. Scott and I had taken two weeks off. Scott had taken two weeks off. The first week, we stayed home, did a lot of house projects, ran around to see family. I was still working a little bit during the first week. I was working on my mentorship, which actually feels like fun to me, I have to admit. I'm one of those weirdos who most of my work feels like pleasure. But I did take the entire second weekend completely off or the second week completely off, and we really needed that time off.
Erin Holt [00:29:38]:
We had missed out on our April Florida vacation due to COVID like I know so many people have. And this is not like a poor me. You know. We just didn't take it, didn't cry about it. The last time we had taken any time off was in December for the holidays. And of course, that's always a lot of running and gunning. We hosted Christmas, so not like easy breezy downtime. So really the last true vacation we had was the previous July last year at the Cape for my brother's wedding, which was actually wicked fun. So anyway, point is, we were due for some time off, and we obviously weren't really able to make any plans ahead of time in advance because of COVID, but we realized we wanted to get out of Dodge.
Erin Holt [00:30:19]:
Like we're like, we've been in this house way too long. We got to get out. And we started looking at Airbnbs at a lake or a river up north, because all I wanted was to be at a quiet lake in the woods. That was my one submission for a request. Quiet lake in the woods. That's like the ultimate restoration for me. Now, before going any further, I have to say this. I love my family.
Erin Holt [00:30:44]:
I love my in laws. I could not have married into a better family. Truly love, love. And also being on vacation with family never feels like vacation to me because, remember, the way that I restore myself is by being alone. Being surrounded by people, even the people that I love most in the world, while I enjoy it, it's not restorative for me. And for all the previous reasons stated at that moment in time, I just needed deep restoration, especially because I was going to come back and hit the ground running with my new practitioner program, which is like a massive project. So I knew that I knew what I needed. And instead of advocating for my needs, I went with keeping the peace and doing what other people wanted to do and not rocking the boat.
Erin Holt [00:31:40]:
So we ended up renting a house at the beach with family, even though I don't really love the beach. Going to be honest with you. I specifically said I do not want a vacation at the beach. We spent our vacation time and money renting a beach house because, honestly, this is why I was afraid of disappointing people. I was afraid of being the bad guy. I didn't want to be perceived as the odd man out or the troublemaker or the difficult one. So the one week I had allotted for restoration was anything but restorative. On day two, my computer crashed, never to be retrieved again.
Erin Holt [00:32:19]:
Just dead, done, dusted. And I also stopped pooping. Day two, vacation stopped pooping. So buckle up, friends, because it's about to get real fun. I have a lifelong history of constipation since I was a baby. It's pretty well managed today because, hey, this happens to be a skill set of mine in my career, but if I'm stressed out and traveling or off my routine or any combination of those things, I will still get constipated. Normally I can prevent it and it's fine. But this time was exceptionally bad, something that's never happened before.
Erin Holt [00:32:58]:
It was like my bowels just completely shut down. Just shut down. So something else to understand when I go dark on myself. Meaning when my intuition speaks loud and clear, when I know what I need to do to take care of myself, and I choose to do something else for fear of disappointing people, or because I feel like it's the right thing to do for everyone else to keep the peace, to keep up appearances, to make others happy, or if I feel bad or embarrassed about what my needs are because they seem in such contrast to everyone else's - when that happens, something physical usually happens in my body.
Erin Holt [00:33:41]:
It is like my soul or my higher self or spirit or the universe, whatever. It's like swooping in and saying, I'm going to make you pay attention. You didn't listen to your intuition, so now we're giving you no choice but to listen and learn. And this has been a pattern for me throughout childhood, adolescence, adulthood. And listen, when you don't shit for ten days straight, you have no choice but to look deep into the bowels of your soul. You got no other choice. So obviously, I was not super comfortable. I eventually couldn't even eat food.
Erin Holt [00:34:25]:
I utilized all the tools in my arsenal. I used all of the tools in my friend's arsenal. She was a triage nurse, walking me through everything she would do in the hospital. Nothing worked. So of course, I started to get really anxious. So the day back from vacation, I ended up in urgent care, and they did not know what to do with me. They took an X ray and they were like, yeah, full of poop. So two days later, I was still in the same position.
Erin Holt [00:34:49]:
I went to my PCP. They didn't know what to do with me, so they sent me to the ER. I'm in the ER, like, I had to walk up to the ER, the check in, and they were like, what are you here for? And there's like, a ton of people around. Most of them are dudes. And I'm like, I haven't pooped in eight days. Could you help me? They couldn't help me. They were quite stumped as well. So everyone kept giving me the same suggestions, like a one trick pony.
Erin Holt [00:35:19]:
You can try Miralax, you could try magnesium, you could try enemas. I had tried all of them about ten times each, so not helpful. Side note, while I was in the ER, I sent Scott a text saying they're about to do an Xray to see if I'm full of stool. And he said, that sounds like a great podcast title. Is Erin Holt Full of Stool. So here we are, folks. I was, in fact, still full of stool, so that whole rigamarole started to stir up some old trauma for me from when I got sick originally, and nobody had any answers. And yada, yada, yada.
Erin Holt [00:35:58]:
So the old belief of something is wrong with my body and no one can help me really started to resurface the one idea that I had in my back pocket: colon hydrotherapy. Getting a colonic was completely discredited. I was told that they were unsafe, that it could perforate my bowels, so they gave me no options. They gave me no solutions. And the one option I had, they tried to take that away from me, which only served to reinforce my distrust in allopathic medicine. So despite spending well over $1,000 feeling completely let down and unsupported by conventional medicine, it was stressful. It really felt stressful. Cut to the chase.
Erin Holt [00:36:46]:
I did the colonic anyway. It was the only thing that helped. I've been getting them regularly, like, once a week just because I had some backup there. And I am forever grateful to Dr. Holly Donahue in Dover, New Hampshire, for helping me process my shit, literally and figuratively. I'm back. I'm feeling totally great, back on track, all that kind of stuff. But it was a gnarly few days.
Erin Holt [00:37:11]:
Gnarly gnarly gnarly few days. Now the backdrop to all of this. It's kind of like the perfect storm of events. I had signed up for Rachel Rodgers Everyone Should Be a Millionaire club. So it's a lot of money, mindset, and business stuff. And I was listening to the content throughout this entire time. Like, I would go for power walks for 6 miles when we were on vacation and just have these going in my head or in my earphones. The entire first month's worth of modules that you have to walk yourself through is a program called Worth, and it's all about money, mindset, and how women are conditioned to not discuss money, and how it's so tied up in our sense of self worth and value.
Erin Holt [00:37:56]:
So I'm listening to all this getting motivated, inspired, and built up, and feeling my own intrinsic sense of self worth and value. And I'm hearing Rachel talk about boundaries and how she sets them, and I'm feeling a wholehearted yes. But while I was listening to this and getting jazzed about this, I realized that was not really how I was showing up for myself in real life. There was something major and pivotal about the juxtaposition of seeing someone show up so unapologetically themselves and stating their needs and boundaries so clearly and having this deep feeling inside myself that this is how I want to be, this is how I want to show up. And also, being in a situation where I was not doing that, I was able to see it more clearly how I was not showing up for myself. And I think I was disappointed in myself that even though I knew what I needed, I didn't advocate hard enough for my needs. I felt like I went dark on myself, and it felt really bad. It was a really emotional week, and I spent a lot of time sobbing and processing my shit over and over and over again with my friends and with my mom, and then dealing with the aftermath.
Erin Holt [00:39:19]:
The aftermath of vacation. The day we came home, the same day I went to urgent care, we brought home our puppy, which is fun and exciting. Our dog, Murray, is eight, so it's been eight years since having a puppy. I completely forgot the intensity of new puppies, especially in the first couple weeks. So we weren't sleeping, which makes everything harder. Utterly exhausted. Having literally no free time because of the puppy. Beyond burnt out.
Erin Holt [00:39:44]:
Because, remember, vacation wasn't vacation. Feeling resentful of the entire previous week. Running around to appointments on the magical mystery poop tour, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me, which is laying on top of old trauma. And I'm like, I see you trauma. I see you trauma. I'm going to get to you right now. I got to deal with some other things. Trying to recover and create the lost files, recreate the lost files from my old computer, which my husband did maxed out.
Erin Holt [00:40:17]:
Just totally maxed out. Trying to cram my workday into a two hour chunk of time and then simultaneously trying to build out the biggest project of my ten year career. The perfect storm of events and emotion to make me realize shit's got to change. I think sometimes things have to get really exceptionally bad before we say, okay, time to make some changes. I really can't handle much more. So what's got to give? And I also think in these moments, it's when your boundaries become crystal clear, you can see the things that are draining you. I took some time to really evaluate what was draining me, because the truth is, most of my life I love, the vast majority of my life I love, as my naturopath put it, I am living my vision. So what were the things that were draining me? Obviously, I was kind of in an acute situation, but once the poop was out of me, what's going on? Right? It really highlighted where my energy was leaking, where I needed to put boundaries to reassess what am I available for and what am I absolutely, positively no longer available for. So in a little bit, I'm going to give you some specific examples of specific boundaries that I've set and some mantras that I've adopted since this revelation.
Erin Holt [00:41:42]:
Now, of course, my boundaries might not directly apply to you or resonate with you in your own life, but the more that I hear people talk about how they set boundaries in their own lives, the easier it becomes for me. Or, for example, Rachel Rodgers talks about specific examples of what she does, what she doesn't do, what she cuts out, what she says no to, what she hires out for, what are her non negotiables? Not all of them are things that I would adopt for myself. Like she hires a chef and I'm like never, like nobody's coming into my kitchen and taking that job over for me, right. But hearing her talk about how she's managed, that makes me realize different areas of my life where I can set and uphold boundaries to protect my own energy and protect what's important to me. And I'm also going to give you some journal prompts at the end of this podcast, so stay tuned for those. Some just basic, simple things to think about. But first, if you do want to do a burnout audit, if you need help figuring out where you need to create your own boundaries and have a group of women to support you, that one's huge for me. Because if not for my core group of friends and also for some of the bigger groups that I'm a part of, I don't think that I would be able to do set the boundaries that I do.
Erin Holt [00:43:01]:
Because once I'm back in the real world, I'm like, oh, I feel crazy. I feel like the crazy bitch. But when I'm talking with other people, building each other up, it's this idea of borrowing the confidence of the group, borrowing the confidence of my friends. Right. Your girlfriends will build you up, right? Borrowing that confidence when you don't have it yourself. So you're not like, I'm a crazy person because sometimes in real life you're gaslit as crazy when you're like, no, I'm just actually communicating my needs. So if you want to do all of that, definitely sign up for Your Hormone Revival. We have a lot of different ways to do that.
Erin Holt [00:43:36]:
Talking about intuition, going through some different processes that I have found extremely helpful in my life. And you can do it without your bowel seizing up on you, hopefully, ideally, that would be the case. Although if you do have bowel issues, there's some help for you there as well. Okay, so let's dive into the big takeaways for me, the big ones that I also feel are quite applicable to a lot of people, and the first one is running everything through my core values. Everything. Now everything gets run through my core values. Does this align with my core values? Whether it's a decision I have to make or it's an email I have to send or whatever, this has allowed me to get really clear on what I'm available for, what I'm not, what's a yes and what's a no? So I'm in Dr.
Erin Holt [00:44:26]:
T. Williams social gosh. I just drew a complete blank foundations of Social Justice course right now. And this was the first homework assignment. And I'm not going to get into detail here because that would take a long time, but I was like, oh, cool, I'll set aside like 30 minutes for this and it ended up, I mean, I'm still in the throes of it like a month later. So it was really big, a big, really cool process to go through. And I highly recommend that course to anybody. But where I netted out was one of my core beliefs is intuition.
Erin Holt [00:45:02]:
And it makes sense because I've had quite a relationship with intuition. I was an intuitive kid. I thought God was talking to me when I was little. I mean, could have been, I don't know. But I got some information that otherwise I wouldn't have known. So I was hearing hearing things when I was little and when I was 20, in my mid twenty s, I actually started studying and training my intuition with the teacher. And I've used it in my business, I've used it in my life, I've used it in my body with my health stuff. So definitely a deep relationship with intuition.
Erin Holt [00:45:40]:
But what I realized I was doing and why I was so upset is because I was silencing my intuition, which is such an important part of me, right? So of course I was upset because I was taking my core values and I wasn't applying them to the situation. So that is really the whole premise is everything gets run through these core values. I had somebody on my podcast or had somebody scheduled for my podcast, and I just kept getting this weird vibe about it. I cannot pinpoint why. So the first time we were supposed to schedule or supposed to record, I rescheduled with her assistant and I had no real reason for it. I'm just like, I get a weird vibe. So the next time, something about Instagram, I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty. But basically I was like, I don't feel good about this for a specific reason.
Erin Holt [00:46:31]:
So I reached out to my Instagram friend Nicole and I was like, well, how would you handle this? And she goes, why don't you run it through your values exercise? And I was like, oh my gosh, yes. My intuition is telling me no. So for that reason, it's out. There's a number of different reasons too, but for that one, it was out even with this podcast episode, because I had a different one scheduled to release today. But I was somehow feeling like really compelled. So my intuition spoke to me. I woke up Tuesday morning and something told me, write this podcast. And so my intuition bang.
Erin Holt [00:47:11]:
Another one of my values is courage. And the courage to talk about personal stuff. I want to show up. I always want to show up and say the thing that feels hard to say, even if it means talking about my poop, right? And especially when I saw that three people voted no. I know this sounds so silly, but it was like a shock to the system for my inner people pleaser. I'm like, they're going to hate it. But another one is integrity. So I'm supposed to choose three, and I chose four.
Erin Holt [00:47:41]:
Courage being the fourth one, integrity. I don't schedule content ahead of time because to me, I need to be honest in the moment to feel like I'm in my integrity. And then finally, my other one is holistic health for a value, which is, like, no real surprise. And we can't talk about cortisol levels. That was my original plan. We're going to talk about it next week. But we can't talk about cortisol levels and hormone balance and deep hormonal burnout without addressing everything in this episode. Right? That's how we holistically approach a person.
Erin Holt [00:48:17]:
So values, what are your values? Like, what are the core things that you value in other people, in yourself, in situations, and keep coming back to those? The second one is I have to realize when I'm creating my own suffering, the thing that I'm upset about, is this a problem or am I making this more of a problem? In my head, maybe I've acknowledged that a boundary has been crossed and I'm making the situation worse by playing it, replaying it over and over this definitely. I caught myself in this trap after vacation. I was kind of pissed, and I had a loop running in my head that was like, that was my one week to relax. I didn't get my relaxation. I've been working my ass off for months to hold this business together. No childcare, I needed a fucking break. I deserve a break. I should have advocated for my needs better.
Erin Holt [00:49:14]:
I was, like, remorseful that I didn't. I just should have spoke up. I should have said something. I should have been more fierce. I should have been more apologetic. Should have, could have, would have. So the loop kept going around and around and around, and I was reliving the story over and over again. So vacation had ended.
Erin Holt [00:49:30]:
I was home, but I was still reliving the experience and getting more and more worked up. And so I had to catch myself in that moment and say, I got to be done with this, and I do need a break, and I do deserve restoration. How can I pepper it into my everyday life? Because I didn't get it. I didn't get it on vacation. So now I have to move on. I have to let that go. That's not going to change. And I've created some little vacation moments throughout my day, and it's been wonderful, including no work Sundays.
Erin Holt [00:50:06]:
So using a Sunday as vacation day, and I thought, this is, like, earth shatteringly creative. And I was, like, telling my friend about it, and she's like, yeah, most people most people use Sundays like that. That's kind of what Sundays are for. I'm like. Okay. Noted. The third thing is that it's okay to change my mind. Same goes for you.
Erin Holt [00:50:28]:
Boundaries are a constant reassessment. It's okay to say I'm no longer available to this, even if it's something that we used to be available for, constantly reassessing and checking in with ourselves. So right now, like many of you, I'm sure I am completely unavailable to go above and beyond. I'm at my max capacity. I don't have any extra left to give. What I'm doing, I'm doing really well. But ask me for one more thing, I'm going to freak out. I am no longer available to continue to go above and beyond for every single person in my life.
Erin Holt [00:51:09]:
And hey, guess what? That's a self worth issue. If you find yourself over delivering, check in with your self worth. I over delivered for so long, especially in work, because I didn't value myself enough. And I thought I had to overperform in every area of my life in order to prove my value and my worth. And I am so effing done doing that. I am so emotionally and physically drained from the belief that I have to give and give and give and give in order to be of value. Fucking done. I believe in myself.
Erin Holt [00:51:46]:
I believe in my work. I believe in my value. I believe in my ability to love. I believe in my ability to help people. And I am no longer willing to break my own back in order to keep other people happy or satisfied. I will give as much and as hard as I can, but the second it starts to negatively affect me, I got to be out, right? That's self preservation. And that's what boundaries are, self preservation. And I'll definitely say, like I was saying before, I think this tendency tends to play out more so in my work life.
Erin Holt [00:52:23]:
At least now. At least now. And I know I have a lot of practitioners that listen to the show. So I'm going to share some work specifics here, just a couple of them in the event that it might help you. I have a lot of friends who are therapists, nutritionists, people in private practice. And we all agree that private practice is like one long practice in boundary setting. In fact, it's going to be an entire module in my practitioner training, boundaries. Like, get ready, we're going to talk about boundaries and how to set them.
Erin Holt [00:52:52]:
But you do. Ultimately, if you're going to go into private practice, you got to set boundaries or you're going to burn out and you will not be able to do this work anymore. Practitioner burnout is real. You want to know why? It's because of leaky boundaries. I've been setting boundaries for a minute in my business. It's literally how I've grown my business, right? When people are like, I want to do what you want to do, how do you do it? Number one, get clear on your boundaries. They're going to change over time. But right now, you have to get clear on your boundaries or you're not going to make it, man.
Erin Holt [00:53:23]:
So I've done money, boundaries, cancellation policies, things like this. But recently I realized I needed more. Now if someone signs up to work with me through the appropriate channels and containers. Containers, by the way, that I've spent a great deal of time carving out and communicating to people. They're going to get my all the containers, like Your Hormone Revival, Carb Compatibility Project, the Practitioner Mentorship, within the context of that program, right, they're going to get exactly what I promised to them. But if someone asks for above and beyond that, I no longer have that to give. So if I say this program does not include email access and you email me, you're not going to hear a response. I don't have it for you. Right? That wasn't part of the agreement.
Erin Holt [00:54:10]:
I can't go above and beyond anymore. I'm maxed out, I'm used up and I'm done. So let's say somebody signs up for a one on one appointment with me, they're going to get my all right? But it does not mean that they have unlimited access to me for the rest of days, which has led me to my new email policy, which is no emails. No emails. Somebody else is taking that. Over the week that I was feeling my most broken, my naturopath asked, what's the part about your work that stresses you out the most? Because so much of my work I really love. And I said the emails. If I didn't have to email, I could do this work forever.
Erin Holt [00:54:53]:
Because I spend hours a day handholding people through really big stuff on email and answering questions and all that jazz, because ultimately I know what it's like to suffer. And of course, I want to help those who are suffering. And she said to me that she does not email with her patients, ever. It's not available. They don't have her email address. It's hidden. They can't find it not available. And this is someone who I know has a huge heart and cares deeply and does good work.
Erin Holt [00:55:22]:
And she's telling me that she doesn't email, and I'm like, oh, my God, is that available to me too? I'm going to do it. I'm going to implement it. Because if I don't implement it, do you know what's going to happen? I'm never going to do one on one work again. I am so emotionally drained. So policy change. I used to be available for it and I'm no longer available for it, right? We can change our minds, and I'm not going to lie about it. I'm going to be very clear. People always have the option to opt in or opt out, right? They always have the option.
Erin Holt [00:55:51]:
I'm not tying anybody to my rules, but I do have to state them clearly and then they can opt in or opt out, right? That's our job in terms of boundary setting. It's up to us. And then a mantra that I'm going to share with you that my naturopath lent me is their emergency is not my emergency. Now, sure, you can use this if you're a practitioner, but it really applies to everybody in your life, right? If you're making everybody else's, let's say I'm just using all of my clients, right as an example. If I treat everybody's an emergency as my emergency, I am putting out fires all day. That leaves no time for real work, that leaves no time for me, that leaves no time for my family, because I'm putting out everybody's emergency. Their emergency is not my emergency.
Erin Holt [00:56:40]:
Right? And again, that, it can extend everywhere in life, having a clear understanding of what I offer and what I don't. Here's the deal. If you're not clear with yourself, how can you expect anybody else to be? That ambiguity is a real boundary buster, right? If you're like wishy washy back and forth on it, then other people aren't going to realize that there's a boundary set. And it seems basic, but when you work in wellness, the roles can get a little blurred. So what I do not offer is coaching, life coaching and therapy, right? It's not something I offer, particularly through email. And a part of me feels very grateful that I'm a safe space for others to land their struggles. But at the end of the day, I'm not a life coach. I'm not a therapist.
Erin Holt [00:57:33]:
I don't have the requisite skill set training or bandwidth or quite frankly, the desire to walk people through this. If I wanted to do that, I would have become a therapist. I want to practice nutrition, right? And I can't do it all and do it all well without burning out. But psychological burnout is real right now. And because people are struggling with mental health, their asks are much bigger. The emotional demand is a lot for everybody across the board, and so boundaries are being crossed in a very big way. Again, I'm talking about a lot of different people that I've talked to saying the same thing, and it's somewhat understandable right now. I get that.
Erin Holt [00:58:14]:
And also, it's my job to uphold my boundaries as a way to preserve myself through this time, right? Okay, so let's talk a little bit about boundaries in the home. I have this quote written down and I don't know where it came from, so apologies. If I find out who it is, I'll put it in the show notes. Patriarchy tells women to be peacekeepers in their relationships. You have to be okay with everything and make everything okay. Personal relationships are the ground on which the revolution really takes place. So I've had some practice with this in my own home. I took a screenshot of a scary mommy meme post last week because I was so annoyed by it.
Erin Holt [00:58:59]:
It said, my husband has started packing up the kids and taking them for Sunday morning drives so I can sleep in. The kids love it, and I love my husband for understanding. I need the break. I've never understood why we feel so compelled as a society to give dads accolades for simply being decent dads. The bar for male decency is exceptionally low. Do you know how many times my family members have said to me, you're so lucky? Scott helps out so much with Hattie? A staggering amount of times. Many, many times over the past six years. Do you know how many times someone has said to Scott, you're so lucky Erin helps out so much with Hattie? Fucking zero times.
Erin Holt [00:59:47]:
Zero times. That's how many. None. This is the double standard. I hold my husband accountable for co creating a human with me. That's why he helps out, right? This was his choice. He opted into this. And he doesn't get a special me made for him every time he shows up and just parents his child.
Erin Holt [01:00:12]:
Not in my house. But I did notice that a couple of tendencies I had when Hattie was younger, I would ask for permission, so to go to a yoga class or to go for a run or to go do something for myself. I caught myself asking permission, and that is not the dynamic that him and I have. But I'm like, what's up with this? Why do I need to ask permission for my basic needs when I ask him or anybody if I can do it? It seems like it's a negotiable, right? When taking care of yourself really should be a non negotiable. So I started just saying, I'm going for a walk. I'm going to yoga class. I'm going upstairs in the sauna. I'm going to go meditate, do a breath work class.
Erin Holt [01:00:53]:
I'll be back in 2 hours. Whatever. I just started saying that. On the flip side of that, I do totally encourage him to do the same thing, because that's really important to me, that he does that. So that's a give and take. There another boundary, household boundaries. I don't do bedtime. I do the morning.
Erin Holt [01:01:13]:
Like, I get up and do morning, and he either goes for a run or sleeps in. He does the bedtime routine, like, 99.9% of the time. I cook dinner. He cleans most of the time. That's our dynamic. And the reason that I'm going through this list is because I talk to a lot of women moms who are doing all of these things and doing nothing for themselves. And I'm like, what does your spouse do? What's your significant other do? You know, that actually doesn't have to be the case. I think women, even though it's 2020, we get locked into like, this is my role.
Erin Holt [01:01:55]:
I am the default parent. And we don't know that there's a whole other world out there where you can actually claim your space and do things for yourself and create boundaries of what you're going to do and what you're not going to do. The new one that I have implemented recently, since this shit show pun intended, I'm letting Scott figure out childcare. A lot of the times I have appointments to go to. I got shit to do. I got people to see. I am just like. I'm gone, I'm going.
Erin Holt [01:02:26]:
I'm not asking for permission. And guess what? He's figured it out. He has figured it out. So my work feels a little less contingent upon childcare and we're kind of matching each other there and that feels really good. And then of course some boundaries with family, just not necessarily with family but within my own situation I got really clear on like, okay, I can't just sit here and stomp my feet that this isn't the vacation that I wanted. What I can do is say next time it's going to look like this. And I clearly communicated that to Scott. This is what I need every single, you know, withstanding.
Erin Holt [01:03:11]:
I want to go away with you somewhere by ourselves. Just us two. Somebody can watch hattie. Like that's what I need. That's what vacation is for me. Okay moms, I know that you hear me. Vacation with kids is just parenting somewhere else. My friend said that to me and I was like, that is very true.
Erin Holt [01:03:29]:
You know, it's like just not relaxing because you're a parent. You're always on you're Johnny on the spot, right? All the time. So I need downtime away. I will also not put myself in a stressful situation during the times that I need restoration just to keep the peace. Learned my lesson the hard way. It's a weird lesson to have to learn. And then also this is the last thing I'm going to say - be okay with my version of rest looking different than others doesn't make me a freak show. Doesn't mean I'm wrong, doesn't mean I'm a bitch.
Erin Holt [01:04:06]:
It just means that I know what I need to do to take care of myself and that's okay. That's okay. So to circle it all the way back around when we started talking about burnout, can we change the current situation? Nah, we really can't. It's pretty wild. But we can change how we're navigating the situation and in doing so it can relieve some of the stress, right? In doing so it can make it feel a little bit more manageable. Setting up boundaries and being okay with advocating for our own needs within this very trying time is necessary. Right. It's almost a requisite at this point.
Erin Holt [01:04:55]:
Okay, so before I sign off, just a couple of things. After you turn this podcast off, think about these. Or maybe if you're on a walk, just think about this. Or if you do have a journal nearby journal about this. After hearing this, has any light bulb moments popped up for you? Where can you set boundaries in your own life? And maybe you actually write these down in the house. In the home. Personal boundaries, social boundaries. Family, professional.
Erin Holt [01:04:05]:
The next question I want you to consider is if somebody crosses a boundary because guess what? They're going to. People are people. If someone crosses a boundary, how are you going to handle that? What are you going to do? How important is your boundary? How important is your peace of mind? How are you going to handle it? And then finally and this one's a little tricky. Where in your life are you not honoring someone else's boundaries? It's really hard to do boundary work if you don't have good boundaries. It's really hard. I would say the biggest boundary crossers are the ones that have a really hard time upholding their own boundaries, right? So all of this needs to come into consideration. All right, friends, I hope you enjoyed this episode. And next week, I'm going to be back answering all of your questions about cortisol. Thanks for joining us for this episode of the Funk'tional Nutrition podcast. If you'd like to submit a question to the show, fill out the contact form@erinholthealth.com.
Erin Holt [01:06:36]:
If you like what you hear, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review in iTunes. Take care of you.
